The Good Ol’ Days

GH Iron Dec 1916

Indulge me please, in a wee rant. Look at this advertisement from December 1916.

Just look at it!

There are so many things wrong with this, I don’t know where to begin.

A picture is worth a thousand words. Which is good, because I’m speechless.

OK, not speechless any more:

That contraption? It’s an IRON!?

What were they thinking when they built that bad boy?

Here’s what:

This, Dear, Is the Gift I Knew Would Please You Most

Really.

YOUR husband would choose this Gift, too, if he but knew how much it meant to you, to your health, your youthfulness, your comfort. A little hint, such as you use when you really set your heart on having something, will let “him” know that a “Simplex” would prove the most acceptable Gift this year.

[stifling gag reflex]

“him” Why the quotes?  I don’t get it. Is the guy in the picture not her husband, but her “him”? Either way, I have lost all respect for “her”.

30 Days’ Free Trial–Small Payment Down

I’ll just bet they wanted a small payment down.  Grab the money and run fellas!

Just what every Housewife needs and wants, because it banishes the ironing drudgery forever; eliminates the headaches, backaches. And keeps her supplied with an abundance of fresh, beautifully-ironed linen all the time without labor.

LIES! “Without labor”, my Aunt Fanny!

Two cents for heat, using gas or gasoline, and even less when a motor is used to turn it, is the total expense of an average ironing. In one hour the “Simplex” finishes an ironing which requires four to five hours by hand; gives a better finish and is easy and safe to use.

But wait! There’s more! It’s gas operated! Guess she’ll be ironing out doors!  Or not, if she elects to turn the thing by hand.  Oh, that’s right. My mistake: it’s “without labor.”  I’m going to ignore the fact that without this unit it takes her four to five hours to complete the ironing. Otherwise my head will explode.

Write today for our handsomely illustrated book on ironing. The “Simplex” is sold by all dealers handling the better Grade of family washing machines. The Gift that Gladdens 52 Times a Year.

Gotta give ’em props for precision: “The Gift that Gladdens 52 times a Year. Not 51, not 53, but exactly 52.

I’m off to Google “the better grade of family washing machines.  If you don’t hear from me, just grab a mop and clean up the puddle that will be what remains of my, um, remains.

If you liked this bit of surrealism, (and that’s what I’m calling it because it kills me to think that this is a bona fide ad) you might like to read about my early introduction to the sublime task of ironing.  

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